I was reading this book while traveling through Paris. One of my walking tours had mentioned Edith Piaf, so when this book mentioned “Non, je ne regrette rien,” sung by her, I got curious, and now I have a new favorite song :)

Anyway, back to the book. I like the fact that this book leads with data in many cases. Though in some cases it tries to use metaphors (like comparing beauty in Japanese repaired teacups with people), which I’ve been finding a bit distracting lately. Luckily, there weren’t too many of these. Below are a few notes and concepts from the book that I found interesting:

  • Thinking is for doing (e.g., if I want to write, I’ll think of paper as a surface for inscription; if I want to start a fire, I’ll think of the paper differently). Feeling (e.g., regret) can help us think.
  • People who say they have no regrets are mostly tricking themselves (psychologically). Everyone has regrets, and it’s healthy to have them. Over 82% of Americans look back at their lives and think about doing things differently.
  • If you have a broken heart, then you’ve done something big enough, important enough, and valuable enough to have a broken heart. Putting those pieces back together will help you take on life with greater urgency and purpose.
  • Excessive regret or replaying a failure for too long is linked to depression, anxiety, and PTSD.

“At Least” vs. “If Only” Moments

Bronze medalists at the Olympics were generally happier because they were thinking “at least I won a medal,” while silver medalists felt disappointed, thinking “if only I had tried harder.” All gold medalists were happy. Similar emotions were witnessed among academics whose submissions barely succeeded in getting a grant versus those who narrowly missed out.

“At least” moments preserve our feelings in the moment but rarely enhance future performance. “If only” moments, while initially negative, can improve our lives later. They deepen persistence, which improves performance and enhances decision-making.

Four Categories of Deep Structure of Regrets

Listed from least common to most common

Moral regrets
These are the least common (10%) but often the most painful and long-lasting regrets. While people generally agree on what foundational or boldness regrets are, the causes of moral regrets are fragmented. They sound like “if only I had done the right thing.” Morally dubious decisions cause regrets, and rationalization is a powerful tool that enables us to justify these decisions.

Foundation regrets
Foundation = Health, education, and finance. A strong foundation provides a stable platform for life and is necessary but not sufficient. Foundation regrets start with a choice where one decision represents a short-term sacrifice for a long-term payoff, and the other represents little effort in the short run but risks paying a cost in the long run. Choosing the path of the grasshopper causes foundation regrets and sounds like “if only I had done the work.” These are difficult to undo.

Boldness regrets
Failing to take advantage of a strong foundational platform to take a leap causes boldness regrets. These sound like “if only I had taken that risk” or “I regret not being true to myself.” It satisfies the human need for growth. Boldness, or pursuing opportunities, is good, and some common regrets are not leaving one’s hometown, launching a business, chasing true love, or seeing the world.

Connection regrets
These are caused by relationships that are undone or remain incomplete. They sound like “if only I’d reached out.” Connection regrets arise when we neglect the people who help establish our own sense of wholeness. The book The Good Life used scientific research to conclude that close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives. Those ties protect people from life’s discontents, help delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes.

Maximize vs. Satisfice

Maximizers (people who try to maximize their gains or outcomes or pursue ideal standards) feel more miserable (reporting significantly less life satisfaction, happiness, and optimism and more depression) compared to satisficers (people who, in some cases, given a lack of information, settle for “good enough” or meeting a threshold of acceptability). The main reason is due to maximizers’ increased sensitivity to regrets (both experienced and anticipated).

This section also discussed Jeff Bezos’s regret minimization framework (IIRC, I heard him mention this in his 60 Minutes interview, and it resonated with me). However, the book points out that if this is done at all times, it can lead to unhealthy maximizer behavior. A better method would be a regret optimization framework—that is, spending time and effort to anticipate the four core regrets. Anticipating regrets outside of these is usually not worthwhile; in those cases, it’s best to satisfice.

Action plan

If you’re regretting something in the past: Is it an action regret? Undo it. If that’s not possible, “at least” it.

If you are planning for the future: Use anticipated regrets in decision-making. Satisfice on most and maximize on core (moral, foundation, boldness, connection).

Self-distancing, or looking at scenarios from a third-person perspective, can help with self-compassion and finding better solutions. Intel CEO Andy Grove reportedly asked himself, “If I were replaced tomorrow, what would my successor do?”

Create a failure resume: a detailed and thorough inventory of your flops. Try to glean lessons from the screwups you committed. Watch out especially for any repetition/patterns.

If your regrets become too heavy for you, mentally subtract the positive events in your life.

Other interesting facts

Chronic stress is poisonous, but occasional acute stress (such as deadlines) is helpful, even essential.

Children’s decision-making capabilities grow very quickly after age seven, which is also when they become capable of having regrets.

A 2014 study recruited people to initiate conversations with strangers during their commute. Both the initiators and the other people involved enjoyed it. People misunderstand the consequences of social connection.

Research shows that when students change an answer to a question they had already answered on a test, they’re more likely to change from a wrong answer to a right answer (two-thirds of the time versus one-third of the time for changing from right to wrong).

Most humans (78%) believe that 1) people have free will and 2) things happen for a reason (fate). While I believe in 1, I stopped believing in 2 over a decade ago. Interestinly only 10% feel the same as me, and these people fall in the individualists category.