I’m grateful that the authors took the time to publish this book. While I’ve explored this topic through other books and podcasts, they often blended opinion with data. ‘The Good Life’ stands out because it heavily relies on over 80 years of survey data collected by the research group. That’s truly remarkable, and as expected, I gained many valuable insights I’d like to share.

TL;DR The ultimate takeaway from their 84-year study was that good relationships make life healthier and happier.

John and Leo

One of the things which struck me was the book’s discussion around John and Leo. Both graduated from Harvard, volunteered to serve in the military and were from wealthy (John) or upper middle class (Leo) families. Both had similar alcohol use and similar religious practice. Here’s a table comparing their characteristics and their answers to some of the questions in the survey.



 John (Lawyer) Leo (High school teacher)
Characteristics

Diligent student who attributed his success more to hard work than any special intelligence. His main motivation was fear of failure. He intentionally avoided dating to reduce distractions. After the war, John had a choice to either take over fathers business or accept law school admit (dream). Picked law school and graduated near the top of class. Had multiple job offers and decided to work for the federal government and teach at the law school. Parents are proud irrespective of his choices, John loves his family. Leo dreamed of becoming a writer. Kept diaries during war. Parents fell sick, so he lived close to help and started teaching at a high school. Continued teaching high school for 40 years and never pursued his writing dream.
Annual wages at 55 years old (1975)

$52,000 $18,000
Life has more pain than pleasure ?

True False
I often feel starved for affection ?

True False
A man feels good when ?

He’s able to respond to inner drive His family loves him despite everything
Being with other people ?

Is pleasant Is pleasant up to a point
On Happiness

One of the most successful in the survey cohort yet one of the least happy. Consistently reported feelings of sadness and disconnection throughout life. Remarried at 62 and described that relationship as loveless (though it lasted to the end of his life). One of the studies happiest men.
Ways to achieve happiness

John tried hard to make himself happy and to do that he largely focused on himself (what he called his inner drives). He began his career hoping to help others but over time prioritized professional success more. He was never able to find a path to joy. Leo primarily thought of himself in relation to others, his family, his school and his friends appear often in his reports. He derived happiness from the benefits that other people got from his work.


Like John, I used to be driven by the fear of failure early in my education. However, I eventually discovered that pursuing my inner drive was far more enjoyable. Today, my answers to the same set of questions are a mix of what John and Leo shared. I think my answers which align with Leo’s are partly because I’ve worked on it, and partly because I’ve been lucky enough to meet some great people along the way. This comparison was truly eye-opening.

Another interesting data point was from a 2007 survey of millennials (then aged 15-25). Among the respondents, 76% wanted to be rich and 50% famous. A decade later (aged 25-35) fame ranked lower, but money and career stayed high (becoming debt-free also emerged). While discussing this data, the authors cited (IIRC) a study suggesting that beyond a certain threshold, money doesn’t significantly impact happiness. I had encountered this study earlier, but newer findings indicate something different: for most people (excluding a consistently unhappy 15%), happiness actually increases at a faster rate after reaching that threshold, as their income grows. Because of this updated research, I’d probably put less emphasis on the threshold number. While there might be a correlation between money and happiness in the newer study, I wouldn’t go so far as to call it causation.

Journey Through Life

In this section, I’ll discuss different topics from the book, organized by their relevance to specific age groups.

Adolescence and early adulthood

One in three people of all ages report often feeling lonely. The 16-to-24 age group was found to be the loneliest. In the US three out of four adults experience moderate to high levels of loneliness. This isn’t just about feeling sad; lonelier individuals are more prone to mental health issues, risky physical health behaviors, and unhealthy coping mechanisms for stress.

Well-off societies, including the US, are seeing a trend of extended adolescence, where young adults remain dependent on their parents into their twenties. Similar patterns are seen in countries like Spain, the UK, and Australia with “NEETs” (Not in Education, Employment, or Training), and Japan with “hikikomori” (extreme social withdrawal). These groups often show stunted social growth, social aversion, and sometimes internet addiction through gaming and social media. While excessive social media use can be harmful, I’d argue that some interaction through these platforms might actually help those with social aversion reconnect. The authors did find though that remote friendships were difficult to maintain.

It’s not about the number of people in your life, or even your marital status, that determines loneliness. In fact, high-conflict marriages with little affection can be worse for your health than divorce. What truly matters is the quality of your relationships. Living amidst warm, supportive connections protects both your mind and body. The frequency and quality of your interactions with others are major predictors of happiness. Even experts in psychology and psychiatry sometimes overlook this without focused reflection.

When it comes to marriage, very few intimate relationships provide both partners with everything they need. One of the major reasons here is because western expectations of marriage have become unrealistic in the 21st century. Before 1850: marriage was a partnership for survival (health, money); 1850-1965: companionship and love were added to the mix; 21st century: adds friendship, counsel, conversations, make us laugh, and make us our best selves!

To demonstrate more realistic expectations, the authors shared a story about Henry. Henry started his career as an assembler at GM. But he had to take leave to care for his sick son (polio). This led to a demotion, and eventually, he was laid off, all while still needing to support his three children. He changed careers three times, eventually returning to GM and working his way up to a floor manager. Throughout these difficult times, Henry’s strongest connections (with his wife and children) provided him happiness and longevity.

Middle age

The purpose of working for most people is primarily to provide for themselves and their families. This was news to me because while I do get paid for my work, I’d have tinkered with technology for free.

Research also showed that people who have a best friend at work are more engaged and productive than those who don’t. Soldiers who had more positive friendships with fellow servicemen and who served in more cohesive and connected units were less likely to experience PTSD.

Around this time is also when people tend to have children. The authors found that new parents are more stressed and often feel unsupported by their partners. This is perfectly normal. Studies showed that there is a decline in relationship satisfaction after the birth of a child.

Researchers also found that regular family dinners are associated with children’s higher gpa, higher self esteem, lower substance abuse, teen pregnancies and depression. Something as simple as holding a loved one’s hands was found to have the same effect as a mild anesthetic.

Midlife, (between 41 and 65) often has an inflection point for many individuals. During this period, people shift from a self-focused perspective to a more generous, outward-looking way of living. Those who found the most happiness were individuals who asked, “What can I do for the world beyond me?” rather than prioritizing personal gain.

A tendency to avoid thinking or talking about challenges in middle age was linked to negative consequences over three decades later. Specifically, individuals who suppressed discussions about their difficulties often experienced poorer memory and reported less satisfaction with their lives.

Reflection can be a valuable tool, particularly during the 10% of life when you feel stuck or observe yourself acting in unhelpful ways. However, it’s not necessary for the other 90% of your life. It’s also important to remember that the very act of recalling an event can subtly alter your memory of it.

Around the time children reach 18 years of age, partners often experience a noticeable increase in their relationship satisfaction.

Late adulthood

When survey participants over 70 shared their regrets, many of them were about not doing enough or procrastinating in mid life. When it came to their health, loneliness proved to be twice as unhealthy for them compared to obesity.

On attention

One reason people feel busy isn’t due to the number of tasks, but the sheer volume of things competing for their attention. The authors found that a wandering mind is often an unhappy mind. While the ability to think beyond our immediate reality is a cognitive feat, it comes with an emotional price. In their surveys, respondents reported being distracted about 50% of the time!

Neuroscience reveals that our conscious minds simply cannot do more than one thing at a time. Trying to multitask is neurologically costly, adds time overhead, and reduces the quality of our attention. The consequence? We end up in a state of continuous partial attention.

When we focus on one thing, that’s when we’re at our most thoughtful, creative, and productive.

Another scenario from the book: a 1946 Look magazine photo showing a New York subway car full of commuters, all absorbed in their newspapers. Sound familiar? Even then, many Harvard families reported feeling overwhelmed by work, worried about their children’s futures, and anxious about “the world going crazy.” This was a time when 89% of the population had served in World Wars. Parents worried about television’s impact on their kids and society. While the scale and speed of these challenges might change, the effective solution for nurturing relationships remains constant: attention.

On Social media

Social media can be a helpful tool, but how you use it really matters. The authors found that people who use social media to communicate with others tend to feel more positive. On the other hand, those who just passively scroll or observe often feel negative. So when you’re on social media, it’s important to pay attention to how you’re using it and how it makes you feel.

Observing others likely leads to negative emotions because people on social media (and sometimes in work friendships) often show an idealized version of themselves. This unrealistic view can make you compare your inner self to someone else’s outer life, leading to a feeling that you’re missing out. Studies generally show that the more someone compares themselves to others, the less happy they become, even if the comparison seems to favor them.